Have you ever been in the type of moment where you feel like you know what is happening, without knowing what is happening, as if you have lived this moment before, leaving its sweet scent on you, maybe a few lifetimes before – or a few lifetimes ahead – so it feels so, so familiar, and yet has the charm of newness to it?
Can’t say where it started. Or rather, I knew exactly where it started, but can’t define where it became the space-time warp of my dream.
Dreams Are What Drive Us Forward…Right?
So it’s like this. An uninterrupted exchange of several hours with a stranger, which blend into each other, defeating normal calculations of time. And then life is back on its old track, as if nothing happened, but you went through a blackhole and back. You just don’t know where the blackhole is, or how big it is, or how to decide whether it is real or not. Or how to define what is and is not real…
The only witness of it all is my cat. But she cannot express in a language I have mastered yet. She meows when I ask. And leaves me trying to decode the type of meow that was. Was that a “yes” meow? Or a “no” meow? Or a “you’ve already asked me this question 497395 times” meow?
I thought dreams are what drive us forward. But I feel like I’m living something like my own version of Slaughterhouse 5 by Kurt Vonnegut. Where you keep going back & forth in time, but can’t really explain it to someone, because well, you sound so damn stupid doing that. Probably like how I sound right about now.
Dreams. My mind keeps going back to that scene in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows where Harry dies, and reaches King’s Cross & meets Dumbledore (who’s already dead by that point in the story). And he asks, is this real or am I dreaming? DumbleD answers: Of course you are dreaming. But why should it not be real?
Do dreams really drive us forward? Or are dreams just moments which happen ahead of time…leaving a trace, which we follow, leading us to a destination we already know – because it already happened, right?
At this point you, justifiably, might be wondering when I will start making “sense.” You see, the idea is not to make sense. But to delineate life as it happens…or happened.
Note To Self: Intellect Can Be An Impediment
A space-time warp happens when you travel so unimaginably fast, that normal calculations of time no longer apply. Nor do normal calculations of space. So, essentially, you have travelled way more than is conceivable by science.
Just because it is a dream doesn’t mean it is not Reality. That is the thesis of the statement.
My hypothesis is that my karmic breakthroughs were so drastically powerful, that things which were meant to happen over a period of several weeks/months, happened within a space of a few hours. Because my own inner space was powerful & untinted with doubt, it could be replicated in anyone in my breathing space, and Space overall.
But, because I could not sustain that inner space permanently, the distance travelled came to an abrupt halt at the first eruption of a doubt.
So, on the surface, it felt like life is back on old track. But life is never back on old track. It just reset the track. It is like a new operating system on your broken old laptop. Something changed, permanently. Me.
But this is a logical explanation. Far less interesting, far less appealing. Definitely boring. Appeals only to my intellect. I have learnt to let my intellect do its thing, without letting it become the driving force of my life. Let it coexist with the softer me.
Making Friends With the Unknown
I always had trouble with some aspects of my life. Those have been the spiders in my attic for many years now. Lying where I can’t see them. Don’t want to see them. Nobody can see them. I look cool. But I know they are there.
Something had to be done about these spiders eventually. There just was never a good time to do it.
That time was now.
Unsaid, unwarranted fears which grow out of things which I have no name for, only memories of pain…had to be let go. Let go for good. Whichever way my dream turned out.
I dropped those in the Ganga. Like a bundle of useless broken toys I was carrying around. You can’t play with them. They are eyesores. You just carry them around because they are yours and you don’t know where to or how to throw them. I dropped them in the Ganga. I told Ganga to remove it. She did. It opened a knot in my stomach. The water was cold. But I felt light.
The space-time warp is still ongoing. For someone who knows how this ends, I still feel woefully ignorant sometimes. Or maybe I choose to? I know the end, I just can’t see the path.
But I am learning to make friends with the unknown.
The little girl asked how she could travel the forest. She could only see a short distance ahead. The forest was dark & deep.
The man answered: You are the light. Just keep walking.