I look okay. Sound okay, I think. I don’t know. But my brain has lost its anchor. I don’t know where to park myself. I don’t know what is the Truth, and what are the lies I am torturing myself with. I don’t know the “why” of doing anything right now, except that I took it up, and I know it is needed (though not able to fully reason why it is needed right now), and I don’t ditch anything. Commitment is commitment only if it can survive all your highs and lows, else it is not commitment.
There are times in life, rare times like this one, where I undergo a complete dismantling. I look, sound, appear “normal.” But I am actually delirious. I am not able to tell the boundaries between real and unreal. I sometimes lose track of where I am, why I am. I have been running very high temperatures for the last 5 days. I have been carrying on somehow, but I know it has done some serious brain damage to me. All the necessary software is intact — like my usual skills etc — but the core OS that runs ME is corrupt. I don’t know what to think, how to think.
If there is something called an “identity crisis,” it is way too small a word for what is happening to me. My identity is not under crisis. My own understandings of myself, my world, Bhagwan, and everything under the Sun is under question, and for good reason. It is a dismantling of my logic.
This is not a plea for sympathy or pity. I hate both. I don’t need any damn thing from any damn one. The world can carry on as before, as if nothing happened, sil vous plait. I am writing this for my own self & trying to unravel the knots in my own head.
I had to go back & question my every thought trend, every belief, every idea, every power I manifested, every statement I made, everything I communicated without words. Not questioned to disprove – but questioned only to identify how much of it is truth, and how much my own self doubt, denial, hatred etc. There can be no room to second guess anything. Take everything as it was, and move on. Rethinking is pointless.
At the same time, my system is also rewiring itself as a warrior. I am remembering many movements, actions, impulses, swiftness, agility, thinking of myself as a warrior. I have been a warrior before, in another lifetime, now it is all coming back with clarity. The biggest change happening is the power & clarity to bring down anyone without guilt, without attachment, without the idea of relationships. No place for “svajanam,” as Arjuna said in the Mahabharat war. Moving beyond ideas of me and mine, and only what is to be done as per dharma, remains. No guilt whatsoever after breaking someone’s nose, for instance. A warrior does not carry guilt for his actions.
I don’t know what is happening in physical terms. On the one hand I feel so weak I can’t sit up for too long. On the other hand I can walk with all my luggage on railway platforms & roads & airports. And I broke someone’s nose without even applying my full force. This mix of weak and strong is something that beats me. My body feels broken to bits. Yet, it has capacity to do things without any assistance. I don’t feel hungry. I am eating only once in the day, pretty much. That too, a little rice. My body seems to be re-assembling itself.
After a lot of ironing out, I think many of my “whys” have simply disappeared. They don’t matter anymore. I have been able to see everything as-is. I did not want to turn bitter. I did not want to sulk. I did not want to build my life on a bed of lies. I wanted to see it all as it happened. And I did. Sadashiva showed me. In my world, that is what I call being “realistic” – seeing everything as is, as Sadashiva shows you.
Still feel weak, dazed, febrile, delirious… but restful. I think the new OS is replacing the old. A new me will soon take the reigns from the older one. The battle is on.